I guess I’m just like a turtle That’s hidin’ underneath its horny shell.

Whoa,baby -  Turtle Porn ahead

When I’m reincarnated, please oh please Dear Universal Person in Charge of Reincarnation Assignment – can you not make me a female turtle? Please?  Maybe I’m wrong to judge the quality of all female turtle’s sex life by this one video but from this, it looks like she has about as much fun as one of those poor women married to religious zealots who believe a woman should just lay there and be a vessel to receive thy bountiful gift of man-gravy with which to beget offspring.

It could be just that this particular turtle is just one big heap of Porn Star FAIL. I would think that if you’re being taken from behind ,bumping shells with a VERY enthusiastic member  of the opposite sex and there’s a camera in your face, you’d at least attempt to look a tiny bit impressed because sweetheart, if you’re making THAT kind of movie, you know damn well that thing is going to end up on the Internet.

Maybe she’s just trying to not laugh at his O Face.

Still…please…no turtle reincarnation for me,please.

[vid found via Jezebel ]

[blog title from "Turtle Blues" by Janis Joplin]

It’s never too late for TMI…IMO.

I lost a day somewhere so it’s still Tuesday in my world.

TMI TUESDAY
1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not? If someone feels the need to get married – whatever…go for it. I am not pro-marriage for myself . Yes, even though it looks like I’m headed that way…..I don’t really want to get married. For myself, it doesn’t make a lot of sense beyond the necessity of  needing to be his legal wifey to get his health insurance. I would rather my relationships not be legally defined.  The existence of love and whatever agreement passes between us as a couple is the only binding contract necessary.I don’t believe in monogamy so the idea of a union between just 2, for “forever & always” is silly. Plus, yes…i still have my issues over the symbolic repression of a woman in matrimony.
2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position? I wouldn’t say invented but I can think of times I’ve found myself  in a strange position I hadn’t tried before and thought, “Ok, this feels really good. We should do it like this more”. but the next day, I’m usually a hurtin’ unit and think, “Oh, so THAT’S why we don’t do it like that alll the time”
3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes? I do,indeed. Sometimes. Like with everything, if you do it ALL the time, it’s going to lose it’s flavor.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery? Like with everything, the definition of what’s cheating and what isn’t kind of lays on the partner you’re committed to to decide, doesn’t it? If you think you’re doing something your SO wouldn’t be ok with, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Or maybe even have a conversation about definitions of what’s ok & what’s not. Openness is always good in relationships
5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex? No
6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner? Currently, no. I’m  just so damn tired all the time. I wish I could get back to my old sex kittenish state of being. We both would be thrilled,I suspect

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it? I’m fine with it. I figure if he’s flirting with someone in front of me, he wants to get my reaction to his interest in that other person OR he wants me to join in the flirtation
8. Do you think you’re flirty by nature? It depends. I know people who flirt with EVERYONE. They’re Flirt Sluts. Like, even if they would never be interested in the person they’re flirting with in any capacity, physical or otherwise – they turn the flirt on. I don’t get that.  I’m naturally  flirty with people who interest me.

Since we’re on the subject of marriage and sex and stuff, I started reading One Big Happy Family by Rebecca Walker last night. It begins with Jenny Block’s piece about polyamory. Even if how we arrived at our own polyamory differently, I found I could identify strongly with a lot. Especially this:

I have always liked sex. I mean really,really liked sex. I have been accused,in fact, of “thinking lke a man.” That is, of seeing sex as something wholly separate from love.

So very true for me. Even my dearest  has stated the same about me, just in the context of how I approach the act of sex itself.

Also, let me take a moment to sing the praises of my library. I planned on just adding One Big Happy Family to my “To Read List” but when I walked into the library last night, there it was on the Newest Arrivals shelf, just waiting for me. Didn’t have to order or  special request it or anything. My library is fabulous.

“The king stay the king”- D’Angelo

The Past Week in Review

First off, on an incredibly sad note, Lisa from Clusterfook lost her battle with cancer Friday night. My heart goes out to her family and all that will feel an empty space in their life without her. I had only recently started getting to know  Lisa and regret that I hadn’t met her sooner. At the end of her life, when some  began inching themselves away from reading her blog because her inevitable death was too much for them to bear, I felt sort of the opposite and  wanted more time to know her.

RIP Lisa. Rest well.

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The rest that I had to share seem lame now.

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Mark Belling called women who breastfeed “sows”. Asshat. – from Feministing , with much ranting from blogging lactivists and anyone with an ounce of common sense. As much as I love supporting and advocating breast-feeding rights, I’m not extending those rights to breastfeeding and driving , though. Sorry,lady. Love the irony of a woman being charged with child endangerment while breastfeeding,though.

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IT’S CALLED A SHIT SANDWICH, AND YOU’LL EAT IT AND LIKE IT: Schools across the country are “cutting budgets” by giving plain cheese sandwiches to children whose parents cannot foot the bill for a hot lunch, “singl[ing] out poor children in the most storied location of school-aged social hierarchies – the lunchroom.” My boy, Ethan, is terrified of being a cheese sandwich kid since they instituted this policy at his school. – from feministe, with additional smack-down from Bitch Ph.D , Womanist Musings , Vox Verax and Howard’s Notebook

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I  want to try fire-cupping now, thanks to Essen’ Em.

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You’re completely evil if you laugh at this. It’s kind of funny I say that because I laughed my ass off  and made my kids watch it. They were shocked because I’m the one who hates America’s Funniest Home videos because people…it’s just not nice to laugh at other people’s pain. Models falling down on the runway ,though? Totally ok to laugh at. Thanks to temptingmama via twitter.

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I can’t remember who passed this link on to me but thank you,whoever you were. I had no idea about No NAIS . Essential reading for homesteaders and hobby farmers.

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How to make a Superhero Gadget from The Crafty Crow. An important thing to know how to do when you have a mini-superhero-wannabe in your life.

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Audacia Ray & Marisa DiMattia discuss  Sex & Tattoos on Live Girl Review

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Stella on Ninotchka

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FINALLY…an online matchmaker site just for geeks. Geek 2 Geek

Geeks are special. Their interests just aren’t the same as most people’s. As a result, traditional dating sites just don’t work well for them. For one thing, if you’re looking for a geek, you’ll have to sift through tons of profiles on other sites before you’ll find any. For another, the kinds of activities asked about onthe other sites are of little interest to geeks.

On a possibly related note, my blog stats reveal lately several searches for people looking to have sex with Boba Fett or “sex with man wearing a Boba Fett mask”. This review of a leather bondange hood that references Boba Fett several times might help those folks out but meanwhile, they might want to check out Geek 2 Geek to see if they can find a willing participant. Good luck with that! I’m not going to be getting in on that action. Sex + masks= freak me right the fuck out. Haven’t you ever seen 8mm?

Also – I updated my fetlife.com profile to include geeks as a turn on. I think that’s geeky in itself.

gracias,The Erotic Ego for the geek love.

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Republicans made themseves look like asshats (even more) this past week. Sen. Dave Schultheis of Colorado Springs explains that women should not be given hiv tests because…

“What I’m hoping is that, yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that,” he said. “The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior.”

More from Wired for Noise

Also, North Dakota, Montana , Missouri, Arkansas , Tennessee and Minnesota are on an anti-choice policy-making spree.

More on Friday’s Feminist Fuck You: Anti-choicers gone wild

Also, not at all surprising to me at all is this Harvard study that show that Red States watch more porn than the Blue States

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My favorite new TV on DVD addiction: The Wire.

[blog title from The Wire, Season 1]

‘Cause she’s playing all night And the music’s all right Mama’s got a squeeze box Daddy never sleeps at night

One Reason Not To Allow Children To Watch TV In My Bedroom Unsupervised:

The 3 year old found Mommy & Daddy’s toy collection. He was supposed to be watching  Cars.

I heard, “Mommmeee….help! I’m stuck!”.

I dashed upstairs to find my adorable boy with handcuffs around his ankles and covered in scented lube.

Sweet Jesus. This day has been so weird.

[title from "Squeeze Box" by The Who]

Jupiter’s Gigolo-meter

Powered By Sex Stores

Damn. Now I need to find someone willing to pay what I’m worth. I could really use the money.Kids need new winter boots, trips to the dentist & the optometrist and a decent Christmas.

I kissed a girl, won’t change the world But I’m so glad I kissed a girl

[Title from "I kissed a girl" by Jill Sobule]
Because…unlike Katy Perry’s stupid song, this one is awesome and probably older almost as old as Katy Perry is  )

I have 8 minutes until computer time is up for the morning! Ahhhh!!!

So,I’ll just link share mostly!

(what’s with all the exclamation points!? )
(!!!)

♥The funniest sex toy review I’ve ever read

The Boba Fett references cracked me up…

♥BEST.Idea.EVER

♥Katie Couric’s interview w/ Sarah Palin. I’m almost embarrassed for her….it’s just soooo…wow.
“I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring them to ya”- Sarah Palin
I’m amused.In an angry sort of way.

♥Demand the Debate 2008

♥I missed “Celebrate Bisexuality Day”.Awww *sad face*
Well, probably to properly celebrate something like that,there would be activities involving the gay side of your sexuality so it would have been a bust anyway.

I Kissed a Girl

Jill Sobule’s “I Kissed A Girl”
There is token male-ness from Fabio in this video

Jupiter is feeling meme-ish

Sunday Stealing: The “All About Me” Meme

Complete each sentence.

I am: looking forward to the day I can sleep past 7 a.m. on a weekend. This morning was close…7:05

I think:the point of thought-provoking films is pointless because the people who need to see them the most, are people who won’t ever take it upon themselves to watch something that makes them think.

I know: more about Jim Morrison than anyone probably should know.

I have: a ton of projects waiting for me to finish. First,I need to stop coughing up chunks of lung. It feels like such a time suck to be sick. Wasted life…

I wish: I was a better verbal communicator…or that people would just freakin’ LISTEN to me

I hate:that Katy Perry song…”I kissed a girl”. Let me know when something more exciting happens,katy.And when you can make music worthy of listening to

I miss: the days of not peeing my pants a little every time I sneeze.All I want for Christmas is some ben-wa balls

I fear: the upcoming election.

I hear:the boy “reading” to himself in the living room.He’s reading “Little Blue and Little Yellow

I smell:the residuals of a skunk

I crave:a house and land with woods,fields and streams.And a pond

I search: every.single.morning. during the week for things that do not belong to me and I did not have last. “Where are my shoes!?” How am I supposed to know? I was not the one who was wearing them last.

I wonder: if it’s going to rain today? I have a ton of laundry to get caught up with. It would be nice if Mother Nature would cooperate so I can line dry it all

I regret: only one thing in my life

I love:that *clink clink* sound of things being sucked into the vacuum cleaner.It’s very satisfying and sounds like productivity in progress.

I ache:on my bottom. I still have a few bruises from being spanked the other night and I feel it whenever I shift in my seat to the left cheek

I am not: a napkin.

I believe: in ghosts and a lot of other unseen things. But not God.

I dance:only when forced to…or when I’ve had a few drinks

I sing: along to “Santeria” by Sublime every time it comes on. I can’t help it.

I cry: at inappropriate moments and never when it’s appropriate

I fight: way too much with The Man over stupid things like World of Warcraft. I hate being a WoW Widow

I win: at Scrabble using words like ‘baconed”

I lose: a lot of respect for people over their opinions that are based on ignorance and religious indoctrination

I never: want to be legally married. I’m just not sure I can do it.

I always: try to look for the positive points. It always could be worse,no matter how bad it seems. I could be living in Darfur or something shitty like that.

I confuse: my kids when I lift up my shirt and say, “What do you think?You think I should get my belly button pierced?”

I listen: to blues music coming from the bar next door and the neighbor guy talking to his cat when I sit in the backyard

I can usually be found: at home. I’m just an antisocial homebody.

I am scared: that this bronchitis is going to turn into something a lot more serious and we(meaning me and my family) will be royally screwed since I have no health insurance.

I need: to dye my hair back to being red.Even though blonde is my natural hair color, it doesn’t look right on me.

I am happy about: the kids’ “so far,so good” transition from homeschool to public school .

I imagine: there’s a mystical portal somewhere in this universe that leads to a special kind of place where all dead musicians and artists go when they die. Hendrix and Paganini play some wicked shit together. Bob Marley and Brad Nowell ….soul-wrenching stuff. Cobain looks on with contemplative sighs. Thinking beyond that scenario…well….. that should be it’s own novel. Graphic,most likely…..

Jupiter skips over Hipster Swingers

The posting on the Swingers forum reads,”Hipster Couple New To The Scene!”. You can just hear them bubbling over with enthusiasm at diving into a new “scene” – something dirty and seedy that they might be able to turn into a book. “Our Year as Swinging Hipsters!”(Hooray for us. We’re so connected to the hoi polloi,we even have sex with them!Aren’t we special?)

Carlos clicked the button ,”Read Post”. The couple describes themselves as being super-duper and uber everything….cute,perky,,cute,intelligent ,cute again and …Jupiter’s favorite….super-duper smartypants.

They are seeking a couple with similar qualities, who must be able to converse about all the ills of the world without actually being low class enough to have actually lived any of it and must be “not gross” (meaning,they must be just as pretty if not prettier). They also specify that the right couple should not exceed a maximum weight of around 300 pounds combined (because clearly, anyone slightly overweight can’t possible be sexy and worthy of fucking)

Jupiter adds their weight:360 lbs total. “Damn, I guess we didn’t make the cut. I was so looking forward to having superduper intelligent conversation with them before I fucked him in his smartypants ass with a strap-on .” She would have left the cute and perky to him to take care of.

“You’re just bitter because you’re not a hipster.” She not. She’s just envious that she can’t hang out with hipster femme fatales at the Cà Phê House,slurping tapioca beads through a straw because she can’t even afford the “simple and delightful” $6.50 Bánh mì . Be a hipster? No thanks. Those people seem to work way too hard at looking smarter,cooler and in-the-know than they really are.

It’s much easier just to be herself.She’s never been into any labels for herself anyway, beyond Human Being…Woman…Mother. Those work for her. Why does everything have to be so defined ? she wonders. Why can’t people just let things be what they are and just BE who they are?

Hipster labels aside,

(she’s really not holding it against them.really)

who on earth describes themselves as being uber or superduper anything? That’s just annoying and really, who wants to fuck annoying people? Not her.

Jupiter Sinclair watches Les Chansons d’amour

Jupiter knew he wouldn’t want to watch it with her so she didn’t even ask. It was French and technically a musical. Both were stupid, in his opinion. She pushed play and settled into the cushion ,a plate with a steak fajita at her side and a cold beer nestled between her legs. He walked in the room and saw opening credits flash on the screen, block lettered surnames.

“Hey! Why are you watching a movie without me?”

“It’s French…and I guess it’s a musical.So I hear”

He wrinkled his nose and uttered an “Oh”, flavored with distaste. “Fucking Frogs. I hate the French.”

She’d heard it all before. He held a grudge against the French from WW2,even though he hadn’t even been alive then, and was completely in favor of Freedom Fries. It was simply unAmerican to patronize anything they put forth as art.

“If it helps, it’s about a guy with two girlfriends and a boyfriend.”

This peeked his interest and he took a seat next to her on the sofa.They watched together as Boy & Girl & Girl sang their songs of love, with an abstract scene that only alluded to the menage a trois. Jupiter thought it was brilliant in it’s subtlety. Although she was all for gratuitous sex, she thought it was better in this case for it not to be there at all.

Jupiter reached for the remote, her finger finding the rubber pad for the pause button. The two parallel vertical lines appeared on the screen. She turned to Max and blurted out,”You know, I don’t care how many Top 100 of All Time lists they end up on – I still hate Nine Inch Nails and I always will.”

Lost on what Nine Inch Nails had to do with French Pop stylized songs, Max looked puzzled. But he was used to Jupiter’s seemingly random thought processes and patiently waited for her empty her head.

“I fucking hate that song “Closer”. Fucking HATE it!”,she growled. “I mean, everyone seems to like that song because …I don’t have a clue why. Is it because it’s some big fucking deal to want to fuck like an animal? It’s not. It doesn’t make it a good song. It just means you have the mentality of a 12 year old because you’re all like,’Ooooh…..he says fuck!’. Besides that, it’s all just so aggressive and abrasive. All it does is irritate and anger me and make me feel like ripping someone’s head off.And Trent Reznor is a fucking dick. I don’t fucking care that he cried like a baby when he met Sharon Tate’s sister. What the fuck? Does he want a fucking cookie for finding his sensitive side?God!”

Her finger found the play button on the remote. Rain falls on Paris streets as the angel watches over Bastille Square.Jupiter hits the pause button again.

“Ok,so maybe Trent Reznor is a goddamn genius. If nothing else, he evokes a huge emotional response from me. I give him that much.”

Play resumed the rain and French love songs. Max sighed ,”There’s no actual sex. And it’s in goddamn French.” He got up and walked across the room to the computer,abandoning the movie.

Jupiter mused out loud,”Someday I’d like to live in France.

“You have fun with that”, he said over his shoulder before losing himself in World of Warcraft.

Inside her head, she answered ,”Why thank you…I think I will.”